I seem to have confused my days.
Actually, I just made some bad decisions this weekend. Leaving my days dazed and confused.
MISTAKE #1 - staying up too late on Friday night. M didn't get home from moving someone until 11:30. Then he got a message from a member of our stake presidency wanting to see us at 10 the next morning. I just knew in that instant that my long run wasn't happening on Saturday morning.
MISTAKE #2 - eating nothing Saturday morning and a big lunch later. Then following it with no dinner and a "meal replacement" smoothie and pita chips. No way I could turn around and run with all that in my stomach on Saturday night.
MISTAKE #3 - listening to M when he promised we would go later on Saturday. I did, however, get out and work in my back yard. In the heat. Killing my noxious cactus and tossing the cactus corpse and guts into my garbage can. Work out points, there, no?
MISTAKE #4 - not heeding the hint of warning in the first counselor's story when he told me he was planning on doing a race on Sunday when he was the bishop in my ward, and two weeks before the race he got an injury which prevented him from running for 18 months.
After all these mistakes, and all the silly delays, I ran last night. GASP! Yes, folks, I ran on Sunday. I was mapping out 8 miles continuously in my head. After the 3rd mile, I walked a minute after every mile. Being very much my husband's wife, I had a headlamp on my head and my red, blinking bike light attached to the waistband on the back of my running shorts.
At one point, I saw a bike light coming toward me. I suddenly thought it was my knight on shiny bike, that M had gotten out of his meeting early and was coming to meet me. No such luck.
I was more than halfway through - about halfway through my 5th mile, in fact - when I felt very tired. More than that, my left shoulder and neck was in full spasm mode and was tight and achy. Then, a tidal wave of worse feelings cropped up.
I suddenly felt incredibly overwhelmed by life, depressed, and very alone. All at once. I felt discouraged. I felt defeated. I walked over 1/2 mile home. Walked. And like a defeated soldier after battle, I began stripping off the accoutrements of war. First it was my iPod, which I had turned off to be able listen to the crickets and be alone with the tsunami of thought that was suddenly flooding me. Then my knee strap. Then my watch. Then headlight. I hung my head and hoofed it home.
I realized that must be what it's like to have the spirit leave you. I'll never run on Sunday again!
I took today as my rest day.
I'll be back tomorrow.
And I'll try to fight the discouragement. The nagging voice that says "what on earth are you doing!? Why are you doing this to yourself. You'll never be able to run that race!"
Here's to winning.